What Is Coercive Control

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is an invisible power imbalance. Outsiders looking in may perceive the couple to be quite happy, however, behind closed doors, the abuser’s mask is removed and his true self revealed. With a controlling partner, there will be barriers to women leaving and barriers to fully disconnecting once they have left. These restrictions are the “invisible shackles". Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic employed to gain power and advantage over another person. Gaslighters lie; they deny they ever said something, even though you have “evidence”; they use what you value most as ammunition against you; they deplete your emotional tank and financial reserves; their verbal and nonverbal messages are incongruent and often at odds with one another: they are skilled master manipulators at confusing you in a never-ending “shell game”; projection is their favourite defence mechanism and they tell you that you are the crazy one and everyone else are the liars.

In the beginning, after challenging the abuse, gaslighters may be somewhat apologetic. Things may initially return to being good, if not even better again. Perhaps the gaslighter’s cruel withholding becomes fully present and he becomes seemingly kind …. paying attention to his partner or engages in the proverbial 'love-bombing' …. flattery, buying presents, flowers etc., but even this is a form of manipulation and control. The gaslighter is testing the victim’s boundaries with hot/ cold behaviour, seeing just how far he can push her and coercively control her reactions and sense of reality. Then, sooner or later, comes a repeat of the offending behaviour. Rather than seeing the victim’s request to desist in the controlling behaviour as entirely reasonable, the theory is that a person like this projects his controlling personality traits onto his partner and perceives her as trying to manipulate him, with the intention of destroying his power.

No one sets out to have a relationship with an abusive person. If the victim had known what to look for in the early days, that person might have detected the ”red flags” and fled the relationship, but realistically many victims don't even know about the phrase “red flags” until it is too late.

Are you in an abusive relationship? What does your abuser look like? They exist in every walk of life. One cannot spot them at the outset of the relationship because they will be well-versed in hiding behaviours and traits that they have recognized do not bring them the admiration or recognition they desire. They masquerade as well educated (often claiming to have post-graduate degrees that they do not), emotionally invested and morally aligned with their victim’s values (or that of her family of origin). Domestic violators are psychologically crafty; they become experts at manipulating others. They are the tricksters and the chameleons of this world.